Saturday, July 18, 2015

When You Don't Get What You Want // part four

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, 
give thanks in all circumstances,
 for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 

-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

Well, we have come to the end. The end of this little series of mine. But we haven't come to the end of future posts (I have a lot of ideas floating around in my head). And for this last post of this series I'm going to talk about the title. When You Don't Get What You Want. 

When planning to do this series and thinking of what to call it, the title you see now crossed my mind. There couldn't be a more perfect fit. It struck a cord inside me. Because all the things I was feeling and the things I was facing could be summed up in 7 words. At first glance that summed up thought is sad, even depressing. There's something in those 7 words that I believe everyone can relate to. Everyone of us has our own story of being let down or disappointed or feeling lost. And I wanted a real-life title, a raw title, something that told it like it is. Brutally honest even. Because I believe a title can set the whole mood to a story. And it kinda turned out that the past three posts were leading up to this one. A grand finale, if you will. 

But I want there to be happiness in this post too. Though that might come towards the end. Hey, good things are worth waiting for. So bare with me. 

The verse up above says to "rejoice always" and to "give thanks in all circumstances". I didn't feel like doing either of those things when I found out about my tumor growing back. In fact that might be the biggest thing I struggled with this time around. Because I felt like God let me down and that He was doing me wrong. Now, I wasn't screaming at the sky or refusing to pray but I think that I was a little upset at God. Upset because to me I had been through enough crude and I didn't need anymore. I was basically like "um, no thanks, this doesn't work for me". Just a great attitude to have right? 

And satan used this. He fought me with my feelings and how I viewed God. He would plant seeds of disappointment in my heart and mind. All because he wanted me to run from God and straight into fear. But God helped me. Even in the middle of my mess, God was there. And I knew that He understood what I felt, He got it. And when my thoughts and emotions were too complex for me, oh how I could rest knowing that He had it all figured out. And I still can, I will always be able to. :) 

I didn't want any of this. That's a raw statement. It's the truth. I never wanted to have brain surgery twice. I didn't want migraines or vision problems. But life's not about getting everything you want. But you know what I did get? I got what I need, God gave me what He knew I needed. And I can't complain if that doesn't match up with what I want. Because God's isn't the one who needs to change, I am. I need to change and grow more like Him. His ways are above my ways and His plans are always perfect. And my brain surgeries are one way God is changing me for the better.

If I could back in time and talk to a younger me, would I tell myself about the struggles I face? No. Because a younger me wasn't meant to go through these things at that time. God placed these struggles in my life exactly at the right time. So I have no need to doubt Him and think that He's doing wrong. Because He cannot do wrong. And that my friends, is a comforting thought. :)  

Being 17 and having had two major surgeries isn't what defines my life. Or me. And I have to remind myself that. Because a fear I struggle with is thinking that my brain tumor and all that came with it will determine who I am or what I try to be. That it will hold me back from life and reaching goals. Or that I will miss out on amazing things because I'm dealing with my medical problems. So my trials are part of me, a big part; but they aren't me. And the only One who will determine who I am is God. Nothing else can.

Well, I hope that I encouraged others. My goal was to be honest, open and to point all the glory to Christ. And I feel like I reached my goal. I wanted to use the lot that God has given to me to inspire others that no matter what trouble you have to face, if God is for you than no one can be against you. And that it's okay to be confused and to feel a little lost sometimes. You don't have to have every detail figured out. I want to encourage you to let go. You're not in control so don't try to be. It's okay to be falling apart because God will put you back together.
 Go live. And live like you mean it. Don't give your struggles power by being afraid. Take those things to God in prayer. Get alone with Him. And just talk. He is always listening.

 Last but not least. I am thankful for what God is doing in my life. Even though it can be scary and seem like nothing but trouble, God is using it for good. And we could all use some more good. :)

"There are some of your graces which would never be discovered
if it were not for your trials." 

-C.H. Spurgeon

The End. 


P.S. Here are some photos I took throughout this little journey of mine. :)

After the MRI that would show me that the tumor had grown back. 
In the bathroom before my appointment with my doctor and surgeon. 
The rubber ducky pond at Peyton Manning Children's Hospital. This little pond makes me smile. :)
Waiting for my results at my Vision Field Test about a week before surgery.
My wonderful and strong parents checking me in. 
My IV. I took this photo a few hours before surgery.  
From last week. I'm feeling much better. And very grateful. :) 

1 comment:

  1. I love how honest this post is. (The pictures are so neat too.)Thank you for sharing, Victoria. -I know it's not the easiest thing to do but it was so very encouraging to read. God is beyond good. Your attitude here shows a heart obedient to Christ through your circumstances. I love you. :)


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