Tuesday, June 2, 2015

When You Don't Get What You Want / part one

"When You don't move the mountains 
I'm needing You to move.
When You don’t part the waters 
I wish I could walk through.
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You."

-Lauren Daigle // Trust In You 

Have you ever felt disappointed? I'm not talking about the feeling when you miss out on a sale or even the feeling when someone flakes on you. The feeling I'm talking about is the one that hit me like a tsunami a couple of weeks ago.

I've never discussed my brain surgery on this blog, well at least not directly. I've wanted to, tried to, and given up. Those half-posts weren't meant to be read. But I think this one is.
I had to have brain surgery when I was 15. This was a year and a half ago. The reason for my surgery was a tiny tumor that was growing in my left optical lope. Which was causing vision problems and painful migraines.

Anyway....I had the surgery. God gave me amazing peace through it all. My family and friends supported me through everything. My surgeon is a very talented man. I lived. And with only a small side effect. That side effect is a small blind spot I have in my vision. The blind spot is more annoying than troublesome. And honestly I don't even notice it 75% of the time. 

I don't know how many MRI's I've had or doctor visits. Or how many times I've been the hospital. But it got tiring very fast. Almost to the point where I hated going. Not because I felt sick or that I was ungrateful. But because I got tired of being there. At the hospital. Laying in an MRI machine or waiting in my doctors' offices. Being there would almost make me feel down or sad.
But I got to walk out. I got to leave the hospital and go back to being normal. I love normal. No problems, I can forget my trouble and breathe.
God let me heal. He let me go home. God has showed me amazing things about life, Him, me and much more from my surgery and all the checkups that followed. My surgery was blessing that looked like a curse. That doesn't mean it always felt like a blessing but I know it was.

8 months ago my brain doctor said that we could move me up to 6 months between MRI's. I was so happy. I even did a fist pump right there. It felt like I starting to wave goodbye to my trouble. It felt like I was home free. I was rounding third and headed to slide into home. (Yes, I just pulled a baseball metaphor. My brothers play.)

But a couple of weeks ago I got tagged out.

My last MRI showed that my tumor had grown back. Though not as big as before. None the less, it was back. What might be the saddest moment of this story was when my mom looked at me as the tears filled her eyes. She asked if I was okay. 
My answer? 

"I'm fine, I'm fine. I don't want to talk about right now. Just wait, I don't want to talk about it now!"

Was I fine? No. Did I want to talk right then? No. There were too many emotions. Too many feelings. My head didn't know what emotion to address first.

The song at the beginning of this post hits my situation right in the face. Especially the line "When You don't give the answers as I cry out to you." I've cried a few times these past 2 weeks. It hits me at random moments. Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I'm breaking down.

To be continued.


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