Tuesday, June 30, 2015

When You Don't Get What You Want / part three

"Every time you speak out, and say the words I need to hear.
Every time you reach out, I can feel His love so near. 
I hope you know. to me you are, the hands of God."

-Francesca Battistelli // Hands of God

I wanted to talk about them. 

I wanted to make this post about my support system. The people in my life have shaped who I am today. And they continue to shape me. I couldn't be a lone ranger. I couldn't up and chase every dream because they wouldn't be going with me. And I need them with me. 

A little fact about me is that I'm not good at asking for help. Letting my walls down and letting people see the weak parts of me isn't something I'm good at. But praise God I have friends who don't let me go through life alone. They help me stand on my feet. They pry my walls down. And I'm forever grateful for it. 

I don't have to tell you that life gets messy. You already know this. And messy can turn to scary oh so fast. You can blink and blam...things are up in flames. And the easiest path is running away from the fire. But they didn't run. They may have been clueless on what to do, what to say, how to act around me or whatever. But they carried the weight on my shoulders, because I couldn't on my own. 

The bond between fellow Christians is something amazing. Not only does God go with us through this life, guiding us and protecting us, but He also gives us brothers and sisters in Himself. He gives us a family that is closer than blood. People to lift our arms when we can't. Just like when Moses needed his arms lifted. People to share life with, through the good times and the bad. People who look past our flaws and shortcomings and love us anyway. Not perfect people. But people chosen of God. 

So I encourage anyone who is stuck between a rock and a hard place to remember your support system. Don't think that you have to carry burdens alone. Because you don't. If you need help, ask. Sometimes asking requires you to lay down your pride and be humble enough to appear weak before others. Because we all are weak. No one is superhuman and able to solve all their problems by themselves. No one has everything "figured out". Such blessings come from fellow believers and fellowship with them. You never know how a friend's advice might help you. There are things my friends have shared with me that I will always remember. And also, be the friend to listen when its someone else's turn to need help. Share each other's burdens. It's not always easy, well honestly, its rarely easy. But it is worth it. 

This post is a thank you to all my supporters. And I love you all. 

To be continued. 


Thursday, June 11, 2015

When You Don't Get What You Want / part two

"Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride"

-MercyMe // Dear Younger Me

God's grace isn't measured by Him giving us the answers to the questions we have. And God's grace isn't measured by how smooth our lives go.

I've found myself in the mist of my troubles asking "why me?" 

But why not me?

That's not an easy pill to swallow. Why not me? How is my life so special that I couldn't be the person to have certain troubles? What did I ever do to be above having trials? There are thousands of people who have medical problems. And a lot of them are much worse off than me. And most of them don't know the Lord. I do. Yes, I have medical problems. And most of what I face is unknown. But I'm not going through it alone.

Fear is one of our biggest enemies. And you want to know who uses fear like fire beneath us? Satan.
I am the person to run from fire. Or to try and hide from it. I am the person to do everything but face it. When you look your greatest fears in the eyes you really learn about yourself. The world would say that you would see how strong you are. Or how brave you are inside. But it's really the opposite. When you look fear in the eyes you see how weak you are. You see that you can't handle the pressure, you see that the pain is too much. But if you are a Christian you also see how in the mist of all the areas where you are lacking, God is not.

We all can take our health for granted. If you are normally healthy and don't have any serious medical problems you can get stuck in the routine of thinking that sickness will never hit you. I'm not talking about the flu or the colds that everyone gets. I'm talking about the serious stuff.

Growing up I had never thought about being diagnosed with a disease/be told something serious was wrong with me. Well, let's be real. I didn't think about much else but riding my bike, school, and hanging with my friends, My world was pretty small at that point. Haha. But being seriously sick isn't something one thinks of often. You never think that it's going to be you. But for some of us, one day you wake up and it is. It didn't take me long to realize that I was a hospital kid. That I was a sick kid. I became the teenager walking into a children's hospital where everything is "happy" and there are bright colors all over. There are mini versions of everyday things. Toys and children's books. In a way I don't feel like I belong there. I feel too old to be in a hospital dressed up as a playhouse.

I've learned a lot through my experiences. One thing I've learned is how precious everyday life is. Just waking up to the birds singing. Or going on a bike ride. Helping your brother play baseball. Or just sitting by myself in my room writing this post. Sometimes my heart just aches and aches for normal. But God has chosen these things to happen to me, so they can't be all bad.

"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: by whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
-Romans 5:1-5

I'm going to remember that tribulation works patience, patience works experience, experience works hope. I have to roll those words over and over in my mind. It helps me keep looking towards Christ. 

To be continued. 


Tuesday, June 2, 2015

When You Don't Get What You Want / part one

"When You don't move the mountains 
I'm needing You to move.
When You don’t part the waters 
I wish I could walk through.
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You."

-Lauren Daigle // Trust In You 

Have you ever felt disappointed? I'm not talking about the feeling when you miss out on a sale or even the feeling when someone flakes on you. The feeling I'm talking about is the one that hit me like a tsunami a couple of weeks ago.

I've never discussed my brain surgery on this blog, well at least not directly. I've wanted to, tried to, and given up. Those half-posts weren't meant to be read. But I think this one is.
I had to have brain surgery when I was 15. This was a year and a half ago. The reason for my surgery was a tiny tumor that was growing in my left optical lope. Which was causing vision problems and painful migraines.

Anyway....I had the surgery. God gave me amazing peace through it all. My family and friends supported me through everything. My surgeon is a very talented man. I lived. And with only a small side effect. That side effect is a small blind spot I have in my vision. The blind spot is more annoying than troublesome. And honestly I don't even notice it 75% of the time. 

I don't know how many MRI's I've had or doctor visits. Or how many times I've been the hospital. But it got tiring very fast. Almost to the point where I hated going. Not because I felt sick or that I was ungrateful. But because I got tired of being there. At the hospital. Laying in an MRI machine or waiting in my doctors' offices. Being there would almost make me feel down or sad.
But I got to walk out. I got to leave the hospital and go back to being normal. I love normal. No problems, I can forget my trouble and breathe.
God let me heal. He let me go home. God has showed me amazing things about life, Him, me and much more from my surgery and all the checkups that followed. My surgery was blessing that looked like a curse. That doesn't mean it always felt like a blessing but I know it was.

8 months ago my brain doctor said that we could move me up to 6 months between MRI's. I was so happy. I even did a fist pump right there. It felt like I starting to wave goodbye to my trouble. It felt like I was home free. I was rounding third and headed to slide into home. (Yes, I just pulled a baseball metaphor. My brothers play.)

But a couple of weeks ago I got tagged out.

My last MRI showed that my tumor had grown back. Though not as big as before. None the less, it was back. What might be the saddest moment of this story was when my mom looked at me as the tears filled her eyes. She asked if I was okay. 
My answer? 

"I'm fine, I'm fine. I don't want to talk about right now. Just wait, I don't want to talk about it now!"

Was I fine? No. Did I want to talk right then? No. There were too many emotions. Too many feelings. My head didn't know what emotion to address first.

The song at the beginning of this post hits my situation right in the face. Especially the line "When You don't give the answers as I cry out to you." I've cried a few times these past 2 weeks. It hits me at random moments. Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I'm breaking down.

To be continued.